So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
