just tell him i said nine months
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
