That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
