The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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