dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize