I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
