My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
