Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
