Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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