you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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