I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
