My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
