@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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