Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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