I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
