I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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