The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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