once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
3 2 1 whiskey
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
