I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Couch. On fire.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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