Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
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