The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
