i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
