Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
