Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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