i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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