I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Someone shattered a urinal.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
