Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
