I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
