Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize