Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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