Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I enjoy the company of your penis
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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