No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
