The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
