in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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