I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
