so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
