$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I will be naked everywhere
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
