Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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