woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
