Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize