so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
