My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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