the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
