I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
