I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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