I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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