On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
