made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
