just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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