Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
