david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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