I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
