your parents love me but you hate me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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