The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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