Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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