the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
