The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
