Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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