I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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