On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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