worst night to have a conscience
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
