Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
