you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Non-Jews are for practice
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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