You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
