Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize